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Shallow hearts

For my heart cannot take any more anguish
it falls so deep cutting like a blade deep into the darkness
the kind I thought I could never seek before
the kind so piercing it stops you in your tracks

For my heart cannot take any more anguish
It cuts like a blade deep into the darkness

I shall not let it take me away into the sea of abyss
Where shallow hearts wander and the dead souls come alive

For my heart cannot take any more anguish
I will survive I will hold strong
For my heart cannot take any more anguish
Pain searing through deep inside wrenching all my insides
Once again stuck in the sea of abyss
Where the shallow hearts wander and the dead souls come alive

For my heart cannot take any more anguish
I will not falter
I will not give in to the shallow hearts
I will not let the empty souls take me away
I will stay strong

For my heart cannot feel this any longer
The anguish I feel down in the darkness
Where the monsters hide and the evil comes out

I shall never let the souls know I am weak
For my heart cannot take any more anguish

For my heart cannot take the pain

For my heart cannot take the anger

For my heart cannot just let it be

I will survive this
I will be strong
I will be me and nothing else

For my heart cannot take it…..

25 and Above

There are just somethings in life that after the age of 25 just don't seem so appealing anymore and after reading an article on this i found a lot of it to be true and thought i would share a piece from my wisdom as well on this matter. I cant really speak for those older then me I'm sure there are other issues as more aging come along but i can touch on the matter and the rest can be added in by all the rest of you who will agree or disagree on the matter. So here it goes:

-Being called kiddo other then by your parents or grandparents is annoying...
-Staying up late till the crack of dawn out partying is less appealing and when you do plan on staying out late and drinking you have to take a nap ahead of time so you can try to be lively.
-Microwaveable dinners are less appealing and junk food just don't sit right anymore
-Your parents become your best friend or more understanding (these are subject to change and not an always).
-Getting house hold appliances and clothes for Christmas is exciting.
-Naps are your friend.
-Staying in on a Friday night in pj's binging on Netflix eating ice cream is more appealing then going out to a club.
-Dating monogamously rather then multiple people at the same time is a much better option or not at all, sometimes you feel its easier not to at all if haven't found that "one" yet.
-Taking care of your body is more important.
-Christmas is exciting because you are the one to make the decorating choices now and more into the spirit without wishing for presents.
-Your biggest fear is not longer that you wont be liked by everyone because not only do you not care anymore but because your fear is now filled with a new one that you wont get to live life to its fullest and do everything you ever wanted to before you run out of time.
-Work becomes your life and a necessity no longer do you get to spend money frivolously.

I think i have covered at least the big basis of things I'm sure there are plenty more but you get the jest who agrees 25 and older?

Goals and MUST DO's

Set aside from my other serious posts and tribulations i have a very serious deli-ma here i need out of my hermit stage and procrastination on all the fall behinds when it comes to indulging my me time. Such as working on some pop up art i keep saying i am going to do, reading stacks of books, going to the gym, and going thru my half done scrap books i have yet to finish... but instead i find myself avoiding home and hanging out with friends or vegging to Netflix not to complain that's awesome! Although i feel there needs to be more of the things I've been wanting to get done in there somewhere. So I'm vowing to myself by the end of this year i have one or all of these things started and a plan going so i can keep them up while doing the other two things that i have been doing in mass quantities lately.

STEP ONE: Get my ass out of bed more often and get up a bit more early to start my day.
STEP TWO: Once i do that start my day with a book
STEP THREE: Start buying mass quantities of material for my art and scrapbooks.
STEP FOUR: Go to the gym at least three times a week on the weeks i don't have kidlets.
STEP FIVE: This one isn't listed but an add purge anyone who does not deserve my time i know my worth and it is too saddening to waste myself bending over backwards for those who wont do the same for me.
STEP SIX: The final and most important stop binge Netflixing until I've done steps one thru five first.

Set aside form all that as long as i keep up with everything there should be no issues. And currently i have no complaints in life i have only surrounded myself with people who i trust and add to my life not to be a must but just an enhancement. I have a job and money even though things are tight due to hour cuts i have a certification where i am looking into jobs to make more and an interview November 14th with a career consultant to help me in the search, no complaints no sir E this chick is very content and happy!

Wonder Woman.....

As are all my other post are all about change and how far i have come i like to say since the last one i have come even further then before and quite proud of myself that i am hitting all my goals i have set for myself to better mine and my kids lives. I think the biggest mistake in bettering yourself is assuming your are needing to be invincible wonder woman or super man... That is not necessarily true. Although i have to say at times i find myself standing in the wonder woman pose when i am thinking about something i have done that made me feel proud of me feeling like nothing can touch me or my family. In the last months you all remember i went to school to become a CNA and passed! Along with the exam i just kicked serious ass!!!! Nothing seems to really bring me down anymore i just hope the rest of my goals all fall as easily into place as this one has... Most importantly i feel the change and it's importance to my life. I fell for so long i rose like the phoenix from by burned ashes of my past without even noticing which is probably the best feeling when you finally come too. Sometimes i really do feel like wonder woman wanting more and more juggling everything at once helping myself and others and thinking wow how did i get here?? WHAT was i thinking seven years ago? And how is it i gave life to two little's that grow right before my vary eyes making me feel like the most lucky woman on earth. I think sometimes maybe just maybe if i hadn't waited to get here to this point and time how much further i could of come but thinking that way never gets you anywhere does it? So i take one step at a time and remind myself these were needed mistakes that needed to happen when they did to bring me to this point and time making me the woman i am today. So in the ibis of all this i decided to look up the meaning of wonder woman thinking its rather appropriate for this post.

Wonder Woman: A talented woman and wife wanting a career.

I find this rather fitting and quite on spot minus the wife part right now. Who doesn't want to be a hot invincible woman who can achieve anything right?index

Single Parenthood

When i got the very privilege to bring my daughter and then my son into the world i was such a happy mama. When you decide to have kids you never think one day you will end up doing it alone there is always that picture of a happy family and everything is mostly dandy. Maybe in the back of your mind do you have that fear that you may be at it alone but never to be enough to start preparing for that day, i mean how can you? When their dad and i split up the very thought of being alone was so frightening i found myself now knowing what to do so like any parent i made mistakes lots of them in that year and still do just not as many now that i have seem to figure things out, at least for now i have. So here it is single parenting is never easy an i am here to write what i have learned in the short time that i have been one. If you remember back i wrote about motherhood well here i am two years later writing single parenthood:

First piece of advice calm yourself for a hot second you aren't alone you have family friends or whoever will now forever be your support system until you find someone who will become that eventually.

Second thing depending how many children you have, I have two so if that's your case doing things with two little ones not far in age will for now be a challenge on your own you can cut out going out and doing what was not taxing into something taxing. Take a deep breath become creative. Take them to the park, Scandia.. something I've found out to be awesome non expensive and they can run in the playground till their little hearts are content. Take them on walks make a game of it and play scavenger hunt, i have yet to try this. Anything you can think of to be fun that can limit to only one adult needing to be involved.

Thirdly that support system i speak of they are always always there don't forget that don't loose that and don't burn your bridges they will love you and help you with no conditions cherish that. You don't need another person to validate you, you are you and only you can complete you. It is you and you alone who has to like you at the end of the day because you are the one who is left at that end of your day.

Fourth find an outlet any to get you by when you are alone i have week on week off with my kids so i have a whole week to myself it can get lonely at times and kind of suck when you start to miss your little ones. Any outlet can work long as you it keeps your mind occupied.

Fifth getting back into the parenting things... Terrible twos suck we all know this i have a soon to be one and it seems like i just got out of that stage with the other oh wait i did hehehehe. So if you find your self wanting to hit a wall because you are overwhelmed and have no one to take over, take a deep breath call someone if you need and go from there. Or find something for them to do or act like it isn't happening this can go even if you aren't a single parent even. Fits will happen and they will do them in public so getting this in control is best while you can.

Sixth try not to stress over little details they add up and fast if you don't keep it into check, they feel that stress so whatever you are feeling they feel and that can cause them to act out more causing you more stress and then its just this vicious circle of madness. You want to enjoy the time you have with them not be screaming the entire time because you are stressed.

Seventh and the most important out of all of them because you now and forever still have to deal with your ex try to get along with them in front of your kids. Swallow your pride and never try to fight in front of them. It causes the kids to stress it causes you to be unnecessarily upset and they should not see the ugliness that comes from it when they are so little.

And lastly if you are like me and have low paying job and now taking that cut to your ability to pay bills apply to anything and everything food stamps if you can, medical, cash aide, housing assistance. Go back to school anything that can help you in the long run. Being a single parent is no cake walk so even if you have only one person who is there on a daily basis to just talk can help you wonders so you feel not so alone or can ask questions if you need. Not to loose site of that is key especially if you need to get by for your kids you need to be at your best for them so they can have the life and parent they need and deserve. Most things will come naturally so most things can go with out being said. Enjoy the time they are little for only so long and they look up to us as adults to see what they are going to be molded into. :)

Falling two cents short...

Lately you may see me on here or facebook talking about the new me and how new and improved i am, and I've been trying to be since last year. I found myself doing rather great not thinking about the past and not letting other peoples emotions get the best of me and just moving forward. Well i realized when i took some hour cuts at work i got a bit stressed as anyone would understandably, i said to myself "you can do this and moved forward," but then the little things here and there kept coming along and then i realized i was right back in square one the person i tried so hard not to be for the past year or so. I'm suppose to be starting school next month, if i ever hear back about the program i want to be in... it is taking up all my thought process thinking "how i am going to juggle that and work and still make being a mom in my schedule...." With all these add ups i just let myself go the past month. When i finally snapped out of my haze long enough last week when i let something small get to me so hard. I then told myself i need to stop this right here and now i will not let life bring me down or people. That i needed to keep moving forward and because i had let it build up for so long i started to feel it in my chest like someone just took a bat to my sternum. To be so stressed is not healthy for anyone. So i say all this only because if you seem to see yourself falling short of your self by a couple cents pick up your pieces and put yourself back together again, its OK to feel this way sometimes just not so much so that you end up hurting yourself physically and your loved ones around you and the ones who care for you. Whether its going for a leisurely walk down town, exercising this can include running don't necessarily need to got to a gym, Taking you time, writing in a journal, or just meditating yes i said meditating could be yoga or just calming your whole self. I personally am going to try these thing one or all the above i need it hell i deserve it. I accomplished so much in this past year or so that I'm not about to let it all slip away because i forgot who i was for a split second. I am going to take my own advice and pick up my pieces again and start like i have never fallen in the first place. I'm going to kick asses and take names in the process. In fact as i said before i am going to start with school a certified program find a job as a CNA (certified nurse assistant). Move myself up in the chain with more school make enough money and move into a bigger place so my kids can have everything they deserve and more. Living the happy dream that makes most people wanna roll their eyes when you tell them about it because they think its unrealistic even though it really isn't.. you just have to try and believe hard enough in yourself. If you think you are in a a bad job, relationship or just have bad situation get yourself out of it people deserve more then they think and more happiness means everything otherwise why live life at all if you are going to wasted it away on anger and self pity.
I Thought i would add on to the post i made last year when valentines was nearing and with it nearing again i thought it was appropriate. I made this list because i knew i wasn't going to have that special someone to spend it with and was my kind of way of coping. But this year it will be the same but in a different kind of way different because i don't need a only one person to spend it with i got plenty to spend it with and a list isn't going to help me find anyone or help me hope anymore by longing. So i make a retraction and call this no such thing as Mr. perfect.
So here is my list but more add on.
1. Must be OK and able to work around my kids and understand they are apart of me and also willing to be able to be around them with me.
2. Listens to all my BS when i am upset
3. Loves PDA as much as i do and OK with it
4. Can help around the house and work as a team to get things done
5. Good with money
6. Treats me right
7. Doesn't like to argue as much as i don't like to (although it does happen)
8. Loves to cuddle (who hates that though)? :))
9. Will listens to my cheesy bad jokes and stories even though i forget I've said them all already.
10. Enjoys going out and isn't some big home body
11. Gets along with my family
12. Never makes excuses or undecided about a relationship or tries to use my life as one

When i was younger i use to watch movies and hope and wish my life would be like on like the movie sixteen candles where the hot guy gets to be with the outcast girl i was always a kind of awkward kid and thought i would never find anyone. I wanted a Jake Ryan with the awesome 80's music at the end where you get everything you want. Then i got older and still wanted all that but came to realize life isn't a movie you make your own and the perfect guy just doesn't exist but that one will come along and eventually sweep you off your feet. He wont come expectantly or with fore warning but he will be perfect not cause he is but cause he's what you want and you are what he wants and that's all you will need to be whole... Then i realized who am i kidding even after all that and the waiting for it it happen on its own you are still wondering what is wrong with me and why aren't i sickly in love like all my friends on FB?? WELL because whether we like to admit it or not we as humans are constantly looking and when you are looking that is when you will never find it. SO here it goes my not Mr. perfect guy list.

1. A guy is willing to go around your kids and even accepting but only as far as it's convenient for him and his schedule. And lets face it he's only saying he is to get in your pants.... Most but not all.
2. There is no listening to all your BS only if it involves your shirt being off and dancing around or in the case he is already getting some even then its a maybe. Unless you find someone genuinely sweet.
3. EVERYONE loves PDA well most.
4. Guys don't grow up till their 30's and even then you really have to search some are still stuck mind wise in 20's lets face it finding someone to commit is hard.
5. Everyone argues, i hate to and avoid it at all costs but guys push buttons as do woman.
6. ALL guys make excuses cause well they just do as much as one wishes they wouldn't they do " I've been too busy and haven't been able to talk, sorry" is the ultimate excuse i know I've used this....

I Think you get they gist I'm getting at. There is no such thing as a perfect guy, but you know what? I have grown to be OK with that and throw the fact of that one perfect person out the window. I will take the messy i can't live without you beside me to kick the world in the balls kind of love while still being sickeningly in love, fighting i ain't gonna take your shit kind of relationship. Why? because i'd rather stay sane picking the messy one then go insane for the picture perfect one.

"Mirrors"

She looks at herself in the mirror not recognizing the image that stares back at her realizing now that long ago she stopped existing to the outside world but only by choice. Now looking at the image that everyone else saw she touches the dark circle of duress under her eyes and the sadness that glares back through her deep dark brown eyes, which now shows with every crease in her face as well, of the now shattered girl looking back through the broken pieces of glass that lay in front of her. Everywhere she turns she sees mirrors trying to avoid the image by not looking, mainly for the reason she feels so pitiful for the person she has become and had been, so sick and tired of everywhere she goes there they are forcing her to feel the pain again that always sears through her like a flaming skewer to the skin. So maddened her fist hits a mirror to one of the many around her showing multiples of the person she has been trying so hard to avoid because when she looks that means all the memories, feelings, and thoughts come flooding back making her feel that drowning sensation once again. I’m stupid I’m not good enough, I’m a slut no one wants who would want this? Why am I here? Who am I? I don’t even recognize myself anymore who have I become over these past years and where along those lines did I lose myself? I want to be better I want to be wanted and loved and cared for the way I should be but if I’m so broken then why would anyone want me!? She thinks to herself As she looks at the many broken pieces that lay before her feet once again she realizes how shattered she feels just like this mirror taken by her fist. Standing there wondering will I ever be whole again and when that time comes will there be a moment of clarity and peacefulness of ones self so I can move forward and be all that I can be? Because I cannot go on like this anymore I have too much going on for me and so many promises to fulfill in life. “Mirrors they are what represent ones self whether you are looking for the answer or not, mirrors they are what keep you from loosing sight of yourself giving you that worth of imitation.”

"Anchor"

Something i wrote a while back i wrote this one and another ill post as well they need a lot of work i think still but its a start...

She feels the weight it consumes her for what use to make her feel grounded and whole she no longer feels. He was her anchor was the one who kept her from floating to the top feeling drowned in sorrows fears and self pity. She looked towards him to be her number one supporter the one who she relied on and could always see things through with but all he ever brought was pain with that came agony and with that became resentment. She felt so scared and alone as if it were just her sitting by herself even though he was right there beside her. Was I not good enough? Did you not understand my pain or feel it? You called yourself my anchor my one and only but how could you even think that when it came down to it you never listened to a word I said. She remembers the nights you would come home wondering will this be the night he hits me? As he slams around the house in anger about work in her mind she thinks why couldn’t I be your anchor too? But all you wanted was to use and abuse her mind as long as she was beside you that meant no one else could have her. You use to say you would never hurt or abuse her but just because she doesn’t wear the bruises on her arms or face doesn’t mean you didn’t bruise everything else, mind and soul. We said till death do we part but she was already dead, dead as she could get from the inside out. Why couldn’t you just be her anchor the man she needed you to be so those people could spend the rest of their lives together through eternity and beyond… Anchor goes for the meaning “A heavy object attached to a rope or chain typically one having a metal stank.” Suitable considering you were as cold as metal when you wanted to be hurtful. You will never hurt again mind body or soul so you can keep your pitiful sorries and with that she says goodbye.

Top Movie List

So everyone has a movie list of which movies they love the best well i have my very own as well it doesn't have an order but is all the movies i have watched a million times over the course of my years. :)

The breakfast club
Sixteen candles (i remember watching this all the time on VHS and still have it.) :)
Jaw breaker
Never been kissed
Beetle juice
Super Star
Planet terror (pretty much anything with rose McGowan)
EVIL DEAD (Anything horror cheesy but has to be watchable)
Weird science
Tank girl
In the army now
Drop dead Fred
Edward Scissorhands
Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I have more just don't all come to mind so i will be adding! I love cheesy horror and just scary movies in general but i do have a random variety of what i like.